This is the first of a Three Part Series. First on the chopping Block-- Dell Computers -- CP 

WHAT GOOD IS IT TO LIVE IN A CONSUMER SOCIETY IF THE CONSUMER ISN’T IMPORTANT?

I’m not one these “consumerism is evil” people.  I am a proud average American consumer.  I consume funky new gadgets and fine wine.  I consume shoes and shirts made in sweat shops (not on purpose!!!!).  I consume popular culture and fast food.  I consume commodities of all shapes and sizes.  I consume various and sundry nourishments from the Gonzo food pyramid.  I consume things that I don't need but want.  Yes, I am the average American consumer. 

The debate about consumerism has been around since the ancient world.  Plato, in his “Republic,” allows "the masses" to run rampant through life acquiring all they wish, while the “philosopher kings,” through education and experience, are raised to be society’s ascetic leaders who forgo the trappings of the material.  Even in 300 B.C. they saw the acquisition of money or goods in the "merchant class" as a destructive path.  Dante put the Avaricious in his Fourth Circle of the "Inferno."  Avaricious is defined as "immoderately desirous of wealth or gain, greedy."   

What most people don’t want to admit is that human beings are, by definition, consumers, and by action, destructive.  These true disbelievers can write with all the eloquence in the world, but what they have to say is, at its essence, wrong.  If your website is dedicated to eradicating consumerism in our society I assume your master plan will follow these two action steps:

1. Whip up a batch of toxic Kool Aid for six billion.

2. Once we -- the human race-- is gone, hope protracted evolution will create a species that does not need to eat and/or does not include females. 

I'm not sure what planet some of these anti-consumer people live on, but down here on Earth things follow this simple equation:  No money = no women.  Math truly is the language of everything.  Really, can any of us imagine Carrie Bradshaw forgoing a pair of on sale Manolo Blahniks for a universal sense of justice?  Excuse me while I laugh into my copy of "Confederacy of Dunces."  Ever see a supermodel get out of Pinto?  Of course you haven't and you never will.  Supermodels in Pintos are like the Second Coming -- not going to happen.  There is a reason Plato’s “Republic” is called UTOPIA, and it is the same reason St. Thomas Aquinas was forced to chase "temptresses" from his room with a hot poker he pulled out of a fire.  That's how you become a saint -- chasing away temptresses as opposed to clearing a space for them on the bed.

Even those men who scholars generally agree fit into Plato’s “philosopher king” category have, in complete contradiction to his ideal, never shied away from the material rewards and aquistion of wealth as their rightful bounty.  Rage against the machine all you want.  You are the machine, and the only thing you can really do about it is DEMAND BETTER CONSUMERSIM.  It’s the difference between eating a 6 pound artery clogging obesity causing cheeseburger and a healthy gourmet meal with a bottle (or three) of good wine (may I suggest any 2002 Burgundy).  It’s the difference between an IPOD and, well, everything else.  So, let us dispense with the arguments for or against “consumerism,” and let’s focus on a more realistic and much more pressing issue:  customer service.

American capitalism can be reduced to Man or Woman on Telephone.  Being able to pick up the phone and talk to a person about an issue with your brand new battery operated weapons of mass destruction detector is what being a consumer is all about.  The customer is always right, right?  Right?  Actually, no.  The joke is on us.  As we become a society less and less of, by, and for the people, and more of a bland soulless corporate dystopia, we will zealously participate in a gradual lowering of our service expectations and lifestyles (Wal-Mart anyone?).  As an average Giles with average Giles problems, these little subtle shifts in the fabric of my average Giles life are peculiar in their increasing frequency and in what they signify.  They are the first sign posts that the only decent thing about living in a rabid consumer society -- being a consumer -- is slipping right out from underneath us. 

Here is my first hand account of recent experiences I’ve had dealing with customer service at various companies.  They are, in order of shocking incompetence and general vileness:  Dell Computer, Healthnet, and Delta Airlines. 

DELL COMPUTER:  WORST COMPANY EVER.  Just thinking about Dell Computer makes me want to commit violent acts.  This hellish vomitorium of tastelessness had the biggest share of the 2004 P.C. global market with 17.9%, which means they've managed to spread like cancer regardless of their rank criminality.  I’ve had no less that FOUR miserable experiences with Dell, will never purchase anything that is remotely associated with the company ever again, and will spend every waking hour promoting a life long boycott against everything they manufacture and stand for.  For Michael Dell, a special corner of the Inferno is waiting just for you. 

SCREW JOB #1:  I apply for a Dell credit card with which to purchase a brand new laptop as they were offering a discount on your first purchase.  I am denied.  Knowing there was no possible reason for the denial, I call and ask them why I can't get their great credit card with the 21% interest.  They can't tell me.  I have my wife open an account and I order the laptop.  One week later my brand new Dell credit card that I was denied arrives in the mail.  My wife's new card also arrives with the charge for the laptop on it.  The laptop does not arrive.  

SCREW JOB #2:  I track the laptop order.  It should be here.  Like a monk in a coarse wool coat flogging himself with a whip made out of nails, I call Dell Customer service.  Even though I am staring at my order on their web site, I am told that they never received the order.  I tell them that they charged me for it, so they must have gotten it.  No big deal, I say, just put the order in again, no hard feelings, these things happen after all.  They can't do that.  If I want to order the same computer I must start from scratch, which means losing all the special offers which brought the price down to my level.  Houston -- or Bombay I guess -- we have a problem.  Why should I pay more for the same computer because they lost the order?  After speaking with seven people over the course of two and a half hours (no lie!), I finally am transferred to a supervisor who understands that giving me what I want is much better than the certain brutal death I promise him.  When he says he will give me the same price as before plus a couple of extra features I rescind the death threats.  This time we put the charge on my brand new Dell card that I was denied.  When the next Dell bill arrives the cost has increased.  Yes, the supervisor gave me the same price on the laptop that I had before.  But, without telling me, he subtracted the discount for using the Dell card on your first purchase because this was my second purchase.  Of my original purchase that they lost.  And he didn't tell me.  

SCREW JOB #3:  I guess Dell is cursed, because not but two weeks later very bad people broke into my home and made off with a large pile of my stuff, including the brand new only-made-one-payment Dell laptop.  My wife calls Dell to see if our 21% interest credit cards have anything of value for the consumer -- say, I don't know, theft protection.  After the customer service rep stopped laughing, he offered to see what kind of special deal he could work for us considering the unfortunate circumstances.  The deal he tried to sell my wife on was a laptop with less features for more money.  So let's review:  I am a victim of crime and Dell responds by trying to rip off my wife.

SCREW JOB #4:  Those were my personal experiences.  Surely the "institutional" customer who has leases worth hundreds of thousands of dollars with Dell get better treatment.  And surely Dell, with over $3 billion in profits in 2004, will treat a non-profit company with a little respect and compassion when a payment does not arrive.  The reason?  It got lost in the mail.  Here is the way it should happen.  Payment gets lost in the mail > call company and ask where the payment is > once told it was sent and must have got lost in the mail and that a new check will be generated say thank you > job well done.  Or you can do it Dell's way.  Their collections department called our A/P clerk six times in two hours demanding to speak to the Chief Financial Officer.  The caller, a woman, was so vicious she was finally transferred to me.  The woman on the other end of the phone yelled, screamed, cursed, and was so unbelievably mean and rude and disgusting and out of line in every possible way you could possibly think of that when the dust cleared she was forced to issue an official apology.  But that is Dell's game.  Her job was to berate everyone she spoke to until she worked her way to the CFO, then let her supervisor come on the line and seal the deal.  She wasn't really reprimanded.  She was probably rewarded.  But still they went through the motions of pretending it wasn't all just a game and offering up a completely fake apology.  It is the single most nauseauting and venal moment of corporate bankruptcy I have ever experienced.  

Yes, Dell is the WORST COMPANY EVER.  It is no accident I am writing this article on an Apple Powerbook G4.  I'm hardly alone.  Check out other Dell war stories here: http://www.computergripes.com/Dell.html.  Dump Dell now before their insidious business ethic seeps into your bones and eats your marrow like termites.

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