I really need to apologize to my readers, friends and family. I am truly embarrassed and saddened about the new Amateur Sex Tape  that is slowly being released across these great internets. I'm ruined.

It all started so simply.

Last fall, as the Orange County leaves turned, I had an invited myself to the Xerox “Toner Salesman of the Year” Awards (as there were free libations and crab cakes). It was at this white tie short-sleeved affair that I met the starlet Mira Sorvino who offered me an inhale of Xerox 013R00561 Copier Toner and other designer drugs of the jet set.  That’s how it began and now that indiscretion is everywhere.

WHY DO THESE THINGS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME????

I know this is not the person that you thought me to be.

My performance was terribly hollow, one-note and, yes dear reader, amateurish. As most of my readers, friends and family know, my chops hang with the "Grande Dames" of the "Flesh Arts." Perhaps it was the extra inebriates imbued that evening, but I had dropped lines and cues. The witty improv work that I have been lauded for all these years... just simply did NOT come from my throat.  Even my trademark catchphrase "Slap that ass, you filthy bitch" was naught to be uttered. I only managed to croak out a simple "Are you comfortable in the swing dear?" What was I thinking that night?

I shant blame my lovely co-stars Mira, her friend Mischa Barton nor my co-star of 15 years; the  "Nutcracking Gorilla." As neophyte ingénues they were breaking new ground, taking risks. Mira IS an Academy Award wining actress and I just simply could not keep up. Tara shall become bestowed one day as well.

Ah Mischa, no Christy Canyon could have ever timed a deep throat/hair flip like that and only a master thespian could have taken on the Gorilla for 12 hours like you Mira. Stella Adler is creaming in her pants just six feet below her ornate head marker.

God Bless you both.

Please do not purchase nor view this tape.. tis gut wrenching, scenery chewing rubbish.

Please forgive me. I will be canceling this week's  conference"Inside the Actor's Scrotum" at the Monrovia Best Western

Forgive me,

Crackpot

P.S. Please feel free to view my master class work in THE "Nutcracking Gorilla" series "Crackpot vs. Tina Yothers" , "Crackpot Fingercuffs Kathy Najamy" and "Crackpot Duels with Shelly Long”

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