Greg Mills can also be read at The Bastard of Art and Commerce.  

Love comes in many shapes and colors. But true love comes in the shape of the fella that tops every teen’s list of Celebrity Cuddle Bugs, Mr. Mark E. Smith!

1. Mr. Smith wears Drakkar Noir exclusively, in exchange for a small promotional consideration from the fine people at Guy LaRouche.

2. Mark E. Smith is generally considered the greatest French kisser in the world, and has a UNESCO certificate to prove it.

3. The only Thomas Pynchon novel Mark E. Smith has attempted is
Gravity’s Rainbow (he has only made it page 53), even though he’s been playing chess by mail with Thomas Pynchon for years.

4. Mark E. Smith runs a finishing school for girls called Mrs-uh. Havesham’s-uh Finishing-uh School-uh for Girls School-um.

5. Mark E. Smith is partial to big bottoms.

6. Mark E. Smith is a world ranked orienteer.

7. Mark E. Smith was briefly considered for Burt Reynolds’s porn impresario character in Boogie Nights

8. Mark E. Smith is mentioned by name in the Tibetan Book of the Dead and the Popul Vuh, the sacred text of the Kiche people of Central America. Ironically, the Jazz Butcher song, “Southern Mark Smith” is entirely about some other dude.

9. Mark E. Smith played rhythm guitar on James Brown’s hit, “Lickin’ Stick”.

10. Mark E. Smith lives on the entire ninth floor of the Aladdin Hotel in Las Vegas, where he has special dispensation from the management to slap any guest that annoys him.

11. Mark E. Smith appears as James Bond in the film “On Her Majesty's Secret Service” under the screen name George Lazenby.

12. Mark E. Smith has a vestigial tail.

13. Mark E. Smith has Lemmy’s kidney, while Lemmy has Mr. Smith’s bone marrow.Thing is, neither were ill when the transplants happened. Hardcore!

14. Mark E. Smith insists that, while on tour, his band the Fall eat dinner together – WITH THE TV OFF -- like a normal goddamn family.

15. While you read this at work, Mark E. Smith is at your house, reading all your books and using your dirty clothes hamper as an ashtray.

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