15 ways YOU are making it happen and getting shit done,
 in An Alternative Universe.

By Greg

12

You are Hermann Goering, lead singer of the Commodores, and you are guest hosting for Mike Douglas at an Imperial Orgy.

9

You made your millions repeatedly punching a mule in the nuts, which is a highly regarded profession in this particular Alternative Universe.

7

Your third buttock is coated with nugat. Great job!

1

You are personally responsible for keeping the Dalai Lama’s shunt clear of all debris.

6

Your reality TV show, in which you eat pieces of your own head, has just won a Peabody.

4

You are slowing turning public opinion in favor adding a new letter designed by you personally to represent the sound of a ball peen hammer striking a Grimace commemorative plate to the alphabet.

3

You have cornered the leather straw market, and the Feds can’t touch you, because you’re a big swinging dick in AARP.

14

You killed the Boll Weevel before it could strangle Pope Richard Dawson.

8

You discovered the Northern Hemisphere.

15

Your dirigible is phat with hoopty. Or something.

10

You were successfully absorbed into Steve Ballmer’s fleshy thorax.

2

You brokered the peace between the Crips and a multi-speed electric drill.

13

You can remotely trigger orgasms in Oprah using your pituitary gland, and for that she has named a fragrance after you.

7

MaryKateAshley offer its mating ganglia to you during the Macy’s Parade. Always a class act, you declined.

14

You invented the dog whistle.