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Kate Crash as Aeroplane Starring in
Hiding
Like thunder and honey 711 tue jan 28 2--5
I’m hiding under the covers. I’m taking a shower. I don’t feel good. Like I’m losing my power. like I’m losing all innocence like the good doctor said when I was thirteen after the rape and drug addiction came and went like honey and thunder but still left me without and recovering like I am now like how when I used to know that all the answers would come if I just waited long enough and now that’s gone like the stars in the sky like I knew there must be stars in the sky though I couldn’t see them behind the fog and lights and today there’s a rabbit in my heart and it plays like thunder. I‘m in love, I’m not completely broke, so I wonder what’s getting me down, I’m not even thinkin’ ‘bout the government, I think “what’s gettin me down?”, sometimes I have to Wonder why if I have time to play I only wanna suffer and if the suffering means anything or if it’s just no, don’t think, shhh, everything’s fine, hot water was[h] my spine, [now] everything’s alright I’ll just build castles in my mind and let the water spill away my guilt and hur/nting laughter. I’ll survive. Huu—heh. Breathe in and out Yeah, okay, alright, whatever, sure I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine yeah okay uh-huh, whatever you say I’m not listening anyway I know what I should and shouldn’t be doing, don’t so don’t tell me, if it hurts save me the grace…of me, of love…, you should just look the other way, yeah lookey, lookey your fires lookin’ pretty big behind you ha! The past never Leaves fall on my window sill… it only smokes you… leaves fall on my window sill, I don’t move, I just watch them, orange, yellow, burnt blue spilling like water collecting caterpillars, afraid of the change that’s about to happen, smelling cold but feeling hot, this room is crooked and unmade and unkempt I lift my head At the thought of him. I’m looking at his picture. I love him so much it hurts sometimes, like the movies always say and Like the hurt of yesterday.. When I sat waiting. I know ever knew such aching. and like Last night, twisting in my sleep, no sleep really like I was wrestling with lions just ‘cause I missed him.. ridiculous huh? And then I was waiting and why I wait for some man to show up and I know he won’t I wait for life to happen when I’m running at a distant thirdm I’m, waiting to be beautiful I’m waiting to be good I’m waiting to be Miraculous like the sun that melts into my heart flushing out the red, the volcano from my chest that dinosaurs devour calling themselves huh! Yeah! love when they’re really costumed dance pied piper strung on thought wire to dream pain col[l]or ping pink savage ring tongue holes draping curtains ooze checkslovakia war, my cradle, yesterdays hours hurt hurting still oceans =gather moss fevers starting over my echo pains pinball wall I roll up to the knife and think stars must undress me plugged in unplug the bug crawls up my hour shaped figure love songs says hiss his my feet are dirty with desire blue blocks and still, and still I was stuck in the hot sun with too much to do but paralyzed by love fore you. Yesterday and now today. Flowers.death. here he comes in my head, and in my bed and I love him so much it hurts sometimes, like the movies always say and I get afraid I’m not good enough for him and how I wannna cheat like crazy and I’m just lazy and depressed and searching for too much meaning in all this nonsense I create ‘cause I don’t want To change, change? Change is for the hermaphrodites and apparently I love men only more if they’ll put on a fraud show of fake tits and dresses and now my boyfriend last night confesses how he oh fuck it… forget it, I’m a hero, a hero, okay, unless it comes to change or doing something different with someone who I really care about, then I lose all bravado and I’m just stripped down like that tree outside, losing all it’s winter feathers, what’s wrong with me, no, that’s boring, nothing’s wrong, I just, I don’t Know, am too lazy to change, I don’t know like I didn’t know when I was twelve how to save myself from myself and like always tryin’ to save my mom from my dad and my dad from the bottle, and me from his hands, and me from me still at twenty three you think I would have learned by now, it’s just drama I’m creating For myself a spinning elephant for a tongue and a half broken naked tree for a heart and dice for thoughts, I cut into myself, here on this bed,[ here in this shower] like every day, and armies march out claiming me as their prey, the enemy is all around is in gold And if I could only believe what decorated flowers I bring to my head, that the prettiness won’t die, that the thunder rabbit heart time pain will subside, that dreams don’t die, they hang delicately in the sky always ready for the taking by my fine white lies, no, stop. Stop me. alligators, elvis, hari krishnas, breakfast, Huh my lush head spins tales, the day penetrates the evening sun, and I lay wanting, wanting everyone. Everything. with my dirty tongue, and my half dirty deeds that I bury so deep, but keep them just close enough to remain my friends. This is the end. Yeah. this is the end. You wanna play? No. I’m tired. [I think] I’ll finish my shower instead.
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