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MEDIA LIFE: ADVICE FOR MY MEN
By Karen Crackpot
The Bitch is Back
Back to save my favorite television couples. It’s been a while since I’ve checked in with my men, and by the looks of things, they have sorely missed me.
First, I’ll take a trip to Star’s Hollow, since relationships there have gone seriously awry.
 Luke, I’m kicking you to the curb. I don’t know what happened with you and Lorelai, but the magic is gone. You’re a self-centered asshole, and that is not combining well with when Lorelai’s passive-aggressiveness. When did you stop being a nice guy? When did you stop caring about Lorelai’s feelings? I miss the pining away Luke. Typical male, now that you’ve got her, you take her for granted. I never thought I’d say this, but I’m throwing my weight behind Christopher. Yeah, he bailed, and he wasn’t around for some of the big moments in Rory’s life. But you know what? Lorelai and Rory aren’t perfect either. Plus Chris has grown up a lot, whereas you, Luke, have regressed. You had your chance and you lost it. Plus, your lack of social skills are really getting on my nerves.
Hey Rory – are you sure you aren’t interested in Jess? Don’t get me wrong, I like Logan, but he parties a little too much for my taste. Jess seems really right for you. Don’t discount him.
Off to Illinois and Fox River Penitentiary:
Lincoln, I know you’ve got other things on your mind right now (like a death sentence) but let’s discuss your love life real quick. Please don’t hook up with Veronica. I know she seems like an obvious choice, and you guys do have a past together, but…she’s really not that bright. Not that I think you are, but still. Also, I feel like I should give you a heads-up that something seems to be brewing between her and the Project InJustice (or whatever the hell it’s called) guy, Nick. Another heads-up would be that he’s a bad-guy, but I’m not worried about that right now. Right now I’m concerned with your love life, and Veronica is an idiot. Plus, since you two both talk in monotones, you’d have the most boring scenes -- er, lives – ever.
Mike – careful with Sara’s heart. I’d like to believe that you really do have feelings for her, and I know that Lincoln is your top priority, but I really like this girl. Plus, she’s a redhead like me, so if you hurt her too badly, I’ll have to hunt you down. As an aside, have you considered acting on your chemistry with Haywire? Just a thought.
Finally, a quick jump to Neptune, CA.
LOGAN?! You foolish boy. First, you can't pour your heart out to a girl when you'redrunk. Although believe me, I was right there weeping. Epic indeed. A little soap opera-y perhaps, but I was there. V probably should have let you kiss her, because you did say all the right things. I would have been a sucker for it. On the other hand, you were awfully drunk. And psssst.. she has chlamydia. That may be a factor here. But you didn't hear that from me.
Now, about the Kendall thing. Why did you have to be such a guy and make a bootycall when V rejected you? Can't you keep it in your pants for once? But at leastyou're consistant. If it had been Madison or Gia I really would have killed you.
Bottom line, you have a LOT of ass-kissing to do. I'm not sure how to help you outof this one. You really screwed up.
 Next couple – uh, Wallace? You’re totally whacked. I know you hate being the Xander of this group, but you can’t just toy with people’s emotions that way. I think you’ve been spending too much time with Veronica and you’re beginning to believe that the world revolves around you. Well, newsflash: Neptune’s basketball season is over. When you’re not Neptune’s killer forward, you really don’t have much going on. Actually, you’re not interesting even during basketball season, but apparently I’m in the minority there. I don’t know how you ended up with two girls crushing on you, but make up your mind – Jane or Jackie? I mean, you’re all over the place, and frankly, you’re lucky to even have this choice. (And pssst… Jackie. What are you thinking? There is nothing sexy about Wallace. Surely you can do better.)
Final couple: Mac, I say go for Butters. I think Beav is cute and all, but he’s so little. And he treated you so badly. If my boyfriend said to me, “Good luck getting laid,” I would never speak to him again. Ever.
I think that covers Monday and Tuesday’s men. But don’t think I’m finished. I’ve left these guys on their own for far too long. The Media Bitch is back!
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