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CRACKPOT TEEN BEAT
25 Fun Facts about Teen Hearthrob KIM JON II!
 Absolute Power in an Adorable Package!!
1. Kim Jong Il spends two hours a day standing in front of a mirror in wooly chaps and a large cowboy hat, practicing the English phrase “Howdy! I’m a cowpoke!”
2. Kim Jong Il respects Funkedelic, but thinks Parliament is straight up jam for getting the hos partying all retarded.
3. Kim Jong Il is in AA, and attends the meetings at Pyongyang Double Tree under the pseudonym of Freddy. He doesn’t actually go in. He sits outside in his ZiL limousine chugging Hennessey.
4. Kim Jong Il supported himself through Pyongyang University playing tambourine in a Jimmy Buffet coverband.
5. Kim Jong Il has a crack team of scientists working to get his cow to lactate chocolate milk.
6. Kim Jong Il is talking to the Jenny Craig people about helping his population eat right for once.
7. Kim Jong Il weeps whenever he hears 2 Live Crew’s “Me so horny”, because he is.
8. Britney Spears was all hot to lose her virginity to Kim Jong Il, but he gently explained that her maidenhead was her pillar of light. So they just dry humped.
9. Kim Jong Il is the baritone in the Old Time Pyongyang Barbershoppe Rascals Quartert. For performances, he wears Stalin’s actual Moustache.
10. Kim Jong Il feels that Woody Allen lost the thread on “Might Aphrodite” and told him as much in the steam room at New York’s famous Racquetball Club.
11. Kim Jong Il is largely silent of the issue of the essence of Christ’s nature in 5th Century Nestorianism, which is kind of odd, considering that was the subject of his Master’s Thesis.
12. The highest price ever paid for a Leroy Neiman painting in auction was US$2,000,000. It was a painting of Olympic swimmer Mark Spitz eating a piece of pie. The purchaser? Kim Jong Il, of course! Who’d you think?
13. Kim Jong Il is really super good at drawing princesses on hills with unicorns and rainbows.
14. In Politburo meeting, no one says shit until Kim Jong Il opens the meeting with a quick “Konichiwa, bitches” and a double flipped-bird.
15. To assuage the fears of the female portion of the North Korean population, Kim Jong Il received a Brazilian wax on live TV. He ate Rollos throughout the procedure, then got up and did the Electric Slide nude. The nation fell in love with Kim Jong Il all over again.
16. While taking a bubble bath, Kim Jong Il was reciting the LﾒTrimm joint, “We Like the Cars that Go Boom” as he scrubbed his corns with a loofah. (”We like the cars, the cars that go boom, We're Tigre and Bunny and we like the boom.” ) An aide overheard him and subsequently production of missile-launcher mounted trucks increased ten fold in the following months.
17. Kim Jong Il wishes Radio Pyongyang would please play something besides James fucking Blunt for five goddamn minutes.
18. At the end of 18 holes, Kim Jong Il likes nothing better than choking his caddy to death.
19. If his regime ever falls in the dustbin of history, Kim Jong Il can always fall back on his urinal sanitary cake empire.
20. Kim Jong Il fears only one man: Argentinean footballer
Diego Maradona. The Little Director will spontaneously urinate at the mention of Maradona’s name.
21. Kim Jong Il wonders when Hennessey is going to come out with a Summer cooler.
22. Kim Jong Il has dedicated the current five year plan to stamping out husbands who aren’t willing to let their ladies call the shots in the sack once in awhile. Also, he’d like to torture a bunch of people.
23. Kim Jong Il thinks to the best way to turn North Korea’s image around is to stop calling them concentration camps and start calling them Funk-a-tronic Git Down and Make Love camps
24. Kim Jong Il’s favorite card trick:
Needed materials:
Standard deck of Bicycle Cards
A concentration camp
Approach your mark. Shuffle the deck conspicuously
You: “Pick a card.”
Mark picks a card.
You: “Is your card a Nine of Clubs?”
Mark: “No”
You: “Wrong answer, fuck-o.”
Send mark to concentration camp.
25. Kim Jong Il has crabs.
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