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Thursday, July 07, 2005
My Enemies
Scott McNeely (CEO, Sun Microsystems)
I wrote several times to McNeely, faxes, letters, emails, asking for advice on attracting computer geniuses to my DOME-ED CITY project. Obviously, MASSIVE SUPERCOMPUTERS would be needed to run the CRITICAL FUNCTIONS of the Dome-ed city.
He never responded. So he is my enemy.
If, in the future, Sun Microsystems announces plans for a DOME-ED city, you know where the idea come from. FROM ME.
Jonathan Swartz (Lead Scientist, Sun Microsystems)
Interestingly, I wrote to Jonathan Swartz as well, visionary to visionary. He did send along a JAVA mouse pad, which is more than the bucktoothed vole McNeely had ever done.
However, in my thank-you note, I pointed out to Professor Schwartz that McNeely is an enemy of progress and perhaps that he, Schwartz, should break off any professional association with the fraud McNeely and join me. (I also tasked him with finding me a suitable office suite, which I don’t think I was out of line in expecting my #2 to procure.)
Imagine my rage when on a web feed, I saw Schwartz standing next to that offal-eating chimp MCNEELY.
I can no longer take Schwartz’s mind seriously. He is clearly an idiot. He is dead to me.
(Customer Service Person @ Wendy’s)
There is a newish Wendy’s up the way at the Park-N-Shop. As I had some angry business to attend to with the dim Corey at the Hobby Shop, I thought I could stop before hand at the Wendy’s and load up on protein (to power-up my wits for the verbal duel).
To save time, I called up ahead of time and this Di-Di answered. In a decent businesslike manner I asked for her to describe each menu item to me, so I might have an idea of what I wanted upon arriving. She was marble-mouthed and extreme perfunctory in her descriptions. When I tried to coax more data out of her, she turned on me and called me a “dumbass” and hung up!
Come the rise of the DOME-ED City, Di-Di, when you are brought before my DREAD JUDGMENT SEAT, you will weep and I will laugh. And you will be a junior trooper on the cat urea detail until the end of your days.
COREY (The boob behind the counter at the Hobby Shop)
Oh, Corey. Oh, special precious Corey. With your scaly little hands and grim little mouth. Your knowledge of D&D lead figures is so incorrect as it is actually SATANIC. It is an unholy inversion of the truth. It is RONNIE JAMES DIO made flesh. Again, and again, and again until all times for ever more, Corey...Fantasy Orc Systems DID have a limited edition Wererat Knight!!!!! How do I know? I own it! Quod to the erat to the demonstrandum, Corey.
Pasha The Cat
Enemy is not the right word here. But between the poles of my affection, Pasha is trending South at a clip that is troubling.
Naughty Pasha has kicked up his hairball production into Wah-Wah pedal-like effiency.
Hhhhherrrr. Hhhhhheerrrrrr. Hhhhherrrrrr. That of course, is not a crime. But this accompanying this audio component is a rhythmic jet of effluvia emanating from where his nethers would be if they were still available (mother insisted. Although revolted by her lackadaisical attitude toward the poor chaps danglies, I chose not to press my authority over the cats at this juncture, as mother had hid my “Are You Being Served?” Christmas Pageant Spectacle VHS Tape. While not conventionally intelligent, Mother possesses an almost bovine cunning.)
Again, I can only have sympathy with the vagaries of the body. Despite my commitment to the sensual, after long periods of rest I occasionally enter a disassociate state with my buttocks and nethers. (An Ironic cruelty: the lifestyle of a man whose creed is Beauty Truth and the Body produces numbness in the loins.)
No, effluvia I can deal with. Its all part of the game I call Truth, Beauty and The Body.
The wedge between Pasha and myself is the PURRING. The cuss purrs like a fiend after his breakdowns, because he knows....he knows that is the one thing that buckles me (me, as steadfast and monolithic and stately as they come.) It is the MANIPULATION I cannot abide. And Pasha knows that. He knows. I see it is his eyes.
posted by Nude Fat Man @ 10:44 AM Â Â
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Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Astride Destiny!!!!
Please, please, please don’t tell my mother, but....I think I have found a way to finally FLOURISH and INFLUENCE.
Explanation, thusly: I was in a muddle. The cats had been gassy and off their vat harvested meat product, and the cookie dough took on a taint due, I think, to the ambient moisture emanating from the barca-lounger. What a day, what a day, all day.
When I am blue, I resist “Are You Being Served?” as I feel I owe it to the ensemble players to be sharp and receptive. The tulle fog of funk that hung low near the shag clouded my joy receptors. Whoa.
The constant Stuka-like wail of Mater’s vacuuming could only further tinge the afternoon. If only I could look at a map at that moment, and retrace my steps to find were I had strayed from the sure path of glory.
So, I flicked and surfed up and down the dial, desperate for respite from existence. And then, my god, my god, god, god...I found the solution. A documentary on the public television about something called the MACARTHUR FELLOWSHIP. They give millions of dollars to geniuses. Like me!
Internet...blah, blah....application, to whit, filled out, as it were:
**
Information regarding who will carry out the work:
Me
Name of your organization (and acronym if commonly used):
Foundation for the Realization of the Perfection of Hominids by Way of A Dome-ed City (FFTROTROHBWOADC)
Name of parent organization, if any:
Am affliated with Olympic Video Rentals (member #4445)
Name of chief executive officer or person holding similar position :
Mr. Alex Trebek (Pending acceptance)
Organization’s address (and courier address if different)
PO Box 323
San Guano, CA
Organization’s phone number, fax number, and e-mail address, if any
Can be contacted via nudefatman@crackpotpress.com
Web address, if any:
nudefatman.blogspot.com
Name or topic of the proposed project or work to be done:
The Dome-ed City: Hominid Evolutionary Acceleration P.R.O.J.E.C.T.
A brief statement (two or three sentences) of the purpose and nature of the proposed work
To create and maintain a protected citadel where geniuses can spend their days reflecting and strategizing for a better tomorrow. Free sodas!
The significance of the issue addressed by the project and how it relates to a stated MacArthur program strategy:
Geniuses are held back by stupid idiots. This preserve would allow geniuses to be able to sit down and think for once, and also enjoy refering to maps and globes with their peer in a suitable stately environment. This is right up MacArthur’s alley!!!!
How the work will address the issue:
It is a large DOME-ED citadel. I can’t imagine you’d need more explanation than that. Perhaps one of your Fellows, possible one with a background in Science, would be able to explain it to you.
How the issue relates to your organization, and why your organization is qualified to undertake the project:
The issue relates because I am genius and I am constantly held back by certain people that aren’t really all that bright. I am qualified because I am a genius. I’m confounded by the idiocy of the question, frankly.
Geographic area or country where the work will take place:
Am seeking a suitable extinct volcanic caldera.
Time period for which funding is requested:
Now until at least 2075, or until the current Monetary System is replaced, which ever come last.
Information about those who will be helped by and interested in the work and how you will communicate with them:
Geniuses will be helped by this project as well as any women we deem essential. I will communicate to them by decree.
Amount of funding requested from MacArthur and total cost (estimates are acceptable):
$700,000,000? $800,000,000?I will leave the procurement issues to one of the accepted denizens of the Dome-ed, one with good money sense. Can credit be arranged? Do successful applicants receive satin jackets?
**
So, easy-peasy. I should be out from under my mother’s petticoats by Labor Day! Today I mark that start of YEAR ZERO. I have to find some stamps.
posted by Nude Fat Man @ 1:49 PM Â
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