Rare is the occasion that Crackpot Press staff members go out for a random concert; at least it is in the opinion of one who loves music as much as I do.  More rare is the random out of nowhere suggestions for live performances of acts you haven’t even thought of in 10 years, but if you haven’t figured this out by now, it is the nature of this publication.

 

TWENTY FIVE FUN FACTS ABOUT TEEN DREAM: MEAT LOAF

1. Due to copyright reasons, Meat Loaf is know as Mr. Hot Dog Water in Taiwan.

2. In 1982, Meat Loaf bought a sponge urinated on by Cheryl Tieggs from a private collector.

3.Meat Loaf enjoys repeatedly grunting his own stage name, “Meat Loaf”, during the physical act of love

4.Meat Loaf holds a certificate in Unix Server Administration from the University of

6.Meat Loaf beat a hog to death with a shovel on a Brazilian TV variety show.

7. Meat Loaf has the 2nd largest collection of dream catchers in the world.

8. Meat Loaf will leave the room at the mention of Sheri Lewis and Lambchop.

9. Vaclav Havel credits a smuggled Czech language transcription of the “Bat Out of Hell” lyric sheet for his emotional survival in prison.

10. Meat Loaf and Steve Perry routinely sing into each others mouths like Eskimos.

11. Once a year, a be-veiled Meat Loaf lays a single white rose on the grave of Burt Convey.

12. Despite being a heterosexual, Meat Loaf appears as the celebrity spokesperson for the Glory Hole Safety Project’s “Know What You’re Getting Into” campaign.

13. In his role as front man of Parliament Funkedelic, Meat Loaf goes by the pseudonym “George Clinton”

14.  Meat Loaf has beaten the living crap out of Henry Rollins a total of four times.

15. Meat Loaf is afraid of bees.

16. The last word to be uttered by Prince Rainier of Monaco was “Meat Loaf”.

17. Meat Loaf thinks PCP dealers are the scum of the earth.

18. Meat Loaf prays to a giant Soviet surplus statue of Lenin. He knows it is only a statue, but he finds it helps him focus.

19. Meat Loaf runs errands on a pennyfarthing bicycle.

20. Meat Loaf molts in autumn.

21. Exposure to gamma radiation briefly transformed Meat Loaf into a large pulsing orb of plasma. He is now sterile.

22. In a restaurant without a name in downtown Tokyo, Meat Loaf regularly enjoys a steaming bowl of undifferentiated human embryonic stem cells over rice.

23. Meat Loaf is working on a song cycle based on the Scott Baio TV vehicle “Charles in Charge”.

24. The city government of London has developed a highly effective self esteem program for disadvantaged youth based on the life of Meat Loaf.

25. Meat Loaf angry. Meat Loaf smash.

 

 

Progress! John McCain has made the taboo mainstream!

An experiment is what language means.

In my day there was one word we couldn't say. Over the years the woman's main orifice has been described in mainstream conversations and on TMZ! as:

So desperate to sex up the Sun Valley fire, GMA shows this graphic. Can you see a bloated celeb list?

INT. BURGER JOINT 1988

Two teenagers are working. Lisa, the 18ish blondish, white booted, white tanked, white lip glossed cashier starts dancing to “4^th of July” by X on the radio. Dave, with drooping bangs he would kill for 20 years later, sweats over a burgerless grill, trying to remove the meat that gets in between the grill thingies. Fruitless, he smokes it. All of it.

LISA

‘Are they singing “Hey Baby, It’s the 4^th of July” Cause that’s today.

DAVE

You know they aren’t all that happy….in fact…

LISA

(Flouncing)

HEEEEEY. BABY IT”S THE FOURTH OF JULY!

Dave cleans grill, realizing it will be five years before he can buy her wine coolers. Window's gone. He'll never reach her.

Ah, the debates.

It’s awesome that they are taking place on the last day of a very dramatic MLB season. Especially with the Bay Area hippy A’s facing off with George Bush’s Texas Redneck Super Christian Rangers, who have lost the last two world series.

Politics is similar to baseball.

I am kind of ashamed of myself.
I am Pro-Union.
I supported the WGA strike.
I was shocked at the Union Busting in Wisonsin.
I was on Team Coco.
I don't read HuffPo anymore because they the prime example of why we need unions. One person makes 100s of millions by exploiting her "employees"

Yet, I haven't gotten behind the refs.I am now.

Mitt Romney has been spending a lot of time in California. No GOP presidential candidate, let alone a president, has spent this much time on California streets since Reagan died. If they visit Northern California they are burned in effigy or have their motorcades because of their despicable record on AIDS and civil rights. If they visit Southern California they are treated with more blasé than the first three innings of a Dodgers game. As Conan points out, we know REAL famous people and don’t need him. We don’t even need Obama when we have Gwen Stefani, Jack Nicholson and Bob Saget?

San Francisco Mayor,Gavin Newsome, is taking his show on the road.

The improvising puppet ensemble, "John Cage Memorial Marionette Touring Theatre" will take off next week on 135-city U.S. tour of abandoned copier shops. This report came from Gavin Newsome, former pole dancer and mayor of San Francisco. Newsome, recently shamed by an illicit affair with former mayor Willy Brown's hat, has left his post as mayor and decided to act as tour manager/dresser for this ground breaking tour.

After having some time to reflect on the RNC convention, the biggest quote to stick with me was Jeb Bush’s “Mr. President stop blaming my brother… A real leader takes responsibility.”

What a flaming piece of dog doo.

Every Presidency has had scores and misses, some more so than others.  Jeb Bush obviously doesn’t know much about American history because to my knowledge only two Presidents in my lifetime have ever taken ownership of bad times.

Let’s review some great American Presidential “ownership” moments from my lifetime.