Recession Solution!

Written by Dave Crackpot

The recession continues to rub its filthy, lazy ass across the country. I can’t find a gig, interviews for even crappy jobs are far and few between. Until about an hour ago, all seemed hopeless. After just a few minutes of reading Jack Canfield’s “The Success Principles,” my life plan and calling has become clear.   I am starting a cult. Email Crackpot <at> Crackpotpress.com for your franchise opportunity. So many folks are feeling lost and lacking purpose while wallowing in front of the numerous job boards unshaven for days. I can offer my laser beam focus and towering hegemony. I have so much to offer, my philosophy, my spirit and my naturally ability to rile folks up. Mr. Canfield states (to my interpretation), “I must have a plan to achieve success or I am doomed.” So here is what I outlined at In-N-Out Burger this afternoon. I even found a way to achieve my results within a two block radius of my house. Step 1 Obtain Goons/Minions/Muscle/Disciples Every cult needs some underlings to slap around the masses and show them the path to righteousness. Mine will be no different. At the Chinese Theater Hollywood, there is always a band of actors dressed as Super Heroes who accept tips in exchange for photos. While they don’t seem to be the best fed or sanitary hired muscle, they can be intimidating. They are actors with a Superheroes complex. Since they are working at the WORLD FAMOUS Chinese Theater they must be at the top of their game. They crave superiority and work on tips or the occasional 5 Dollar Footlong.  They must never shed these costumes and if they do I will have my other minions mock with chants of “B-List, B-List, B-List” Step 2 Obtain Followers/Masses The unemployed and hopeless often toy with the idea of busting out that gym membership they paid for, but never used, a few years ago. These will be my initial followers. Why? Because everyone over does it that first day back at the gym.  This will lead to unusual lightheadedness and feelings of accomplishment. This will then be followed by a day of couch impalement and pain. I will catch these folks in sauna, steam rooms and yoga studios. Sure they will think that they ignore can me at first. But in their pain the following day, they will have absorbed my message and surely give me a call. Next up, I will troll Actor’s Showcases and the Santa Monica Blvd. 99-seaters. Sometimes they have free food. I will offer my “soul-representation.” then require a $300 fee for headshots, just so they know I am legit. Cha-ching! Suck it, bail out plan. Step 3 Define Message/Philosophy This is a tough one as it requires specifics and thought. My main message should be no longer than a Twitter or Facebook update. I believe this means 127 characters-ish.  Empowerment is a good subject as it makes people reach for the stars. Nothing about Jesus or God or anything, I will need to invent someone new, better… oh, wait.. ME! In the beginning I will keep everything very vague. Before I know it, I will have my own meeting hall, decked out with shag carpeting, gargoyles and graven images of myself adorned in Mardi Gras-esque beads. Black velvet portraits of myself (the kind where the eyes follow you)  will be hung with care so my disciples will have a contant reason to love and fear. Yep, easy-peasy! BTW if there is anyone out there who already started a cult and would be willing to design a logo, lemme know! Set as favorite Bookmark Email this Trackback(0)  TrackBack URI for this entry Comments (0) Subscribe to this comment's feed Write comment Name Email Website Title Comment smaller | bigger Subscribe via email (registered users only) I have read and agree to the Terms of Usage. Write the displayed characters Add Comment Powered by Azrul's Jom Comment for Joomla! < Prev   Next >