The number one question I have been asked lately is “Why do the women wear bikinis at the beach volleyball events?” This is usually accompanied by a sneer that implies that I only watch the sport for the T&A.

To which I always respond “You mean their uniforms? You don’t ask ‘Why does a ballplayer wear stirrups?’ It’s part of the uniform. 

My girlfriend and my best gal pal have both put me through the grinder on the objectification of women in sports. .It has been a dizzying onslaught of Platonic argument after argument that I simply can’t win.

Fortunately Michael Phelps comes on TV a lot and their concentration is blown and conversations change when they are together. I am soon forgotten, which suits me fine.

The two are soon in a conversation about how he rips of the top of his 1908 style suit and it hangs off a bit and how sexy it is. 

Former Olympian Holly McPeak said simply “We wear bikinis because it is the least constrictive clothing they can wear”

There! Are we done now? Can I finish my pre-packaged nacho sauce in peace? 

No, I cannot finish my pre-packaged nacho sauce in peace.

“Well, by that logic all the mean should be wearing only Speedos on the beach, they wear Shirts and boardshorts.” 

As I can attest, as a former swimmer, Speedos are the LEAST comfortable things to be walking around in. These nuthuggers make you faster in the water, but you don’t want to spend an afternoon in them unless you are hitting agua frio every half an hour. Otherwise I would be wearing a lycra thong all day. Women only know the pleasure of the Speedo, not the pain, especially when you need to drop a few pounds. But even on my best days, a good pair of boardshorts would make my everyday. Yes, stock up on boardshorts.

But the shirt, that’s a killer. I don’t know because in normal pro beach volleyball events, they don’t wear shirts. Surely, some archaic “we are cooler than the original Olympics” rule must apply. Why the men have to wear more constrictive uniforms, I have no idea. 

To demand a new uniform at this late date is awful. Granted most female volleyball players are in sweats before the cameras roll. I have heard about networks demanding smaller sizes.

But the bottom line is: 

I’m more inclined to comment about someone’s technique than what they are wearing. I don’t think of the Olympics as a fashion statement.  That’s what the Academy Awards are for. Once you seen someone in a bikini, it’s kind of over. You get bored and you watch the sport. For sheer wackability, watch the Miss USA contest. As athletes, these women set an example. You can go to a good college, be attractive and kick ass. They aren’t out there just shakin their ass, they are working. We are not some surf strip club, this is the Olympics. You go run on the beach for 45 minutes, tell me how you feel.  

If I should have a daughter, I would take to the beach first and let her discover beauty pageants later. I’d rather have her hanging out with a Kerri Walsh or Janet Torres than a Miss USA any day. When my mother was a teenager, women weren’t even allowed to play full court basketball. It’s not sexist, it’s empowering. They don’t wear that much less than the marathoners.

Just remember ,“Top Gun” came out long before “Side Out.” So drool on that.

I will now finish my nachos.

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