Editor’s Note: I am always open to submissions. Ten years ago, I got this piece from a
young Ted Haggard and I didn’t return his emails because, quite frankly, he creeped me
out. I totally forgot about it. However, I stumbled across this piece while cleaning out my
inbox. Since he’s famous, and I am not, I decided to finally run it.

Last year, I was committed to Homosexual Rehab by my Father Pastor Bil and my
mother,  Mary Jessica . It all stems from an incident at someplace called “Trunks”
(Jimmy call me, you will be thrilled with my progress…you were right about everything
that night! Big hug!). But, frankly, my mother found underpants that didn’t have my name
stitched it in the next day.

Thank goodness they did this for me. Homosexual Rehab Camp was FABULOUS.

First of all it was like camping, except we’re in Rehab. So we got to do “non-deviant”
man things like shooting,  grilling and lots of football (Hike!). Everywhere we looked, I
was the reminded that Jesus was looking over us, that “Bad Boy” Long hair, the “Tarzan”
loin cloth, chiseled abs tied up on that plank. We all knew what true love was about.  I
LOVE that Jesus.

Who knew football could be so much fun?  That Kurt Warner, he really knows how to
drive it all home. He is so manly.  I can’t wait till I am just like him.

And we all slept alone on the bunk beds, (the sheets were a little starchy and stiff) except
for the night Anthony and Joshua went into remission. I was sad for them, so weak.
However, they changed back after a couple of days in the Jesus Box. It’s a confessional
size quarters, you take a vow of fasting (the counselors make sure your aren’t
cheating)and think about what you have done. When the counselors think you are saved
again, you can come out. Joshua was there for almost a week, he had lost nearly 20 lbs
when he came out. No one said this would be easy!

I did have to admit I felt a little out of place because I am by far the oldest one there and
the rest of the men were younger--- all smooth and sculpted. (gag me! I can’t believe I
ever found that sexy.)

Anyways, I was so proud when I received my diploma and Iron Cross upon graduating.
They gave me a wonderful teal uniform with a sparkling pink armband to wear.

The armband was for “most improved.” The other boys were so jealous.

Now my life is something that I could never imagine. The executives at work actually
invite me (moi?) to steam with them after work. All of us draped in white terry cloth,
brows furrying, relaxing. Later we enjoyed a good inhale of Cuban, it’s so bonding. They
know my rehab is stickin! They see me “a new.” I am the star of the Columbus Textile
and Sheep sales department!!! Number 1, bitch! At night I am working to try and become
an online journalist. I right and I right and I right, every night.

I even got the invite to the “Secret Xmas Hooker and Assistant Ball” this year. I want to
cry. I am so grateful. I wonder what I will wear.

I even have a new girlfriend. She is a fantastic woman, she thought “all the good ones
were gay or married.”

Well, sister, look at me now!

She has taught me so much about basketball and believe it or not, field hockey (whoda
thought?) I’m so lucky. We met at “reformedlesbianbandslut.org” (just click the link at
focusonthefamily.org). We have so much in common. I have to admit that she could
“enjoy the wax” every now and then. Also, those White Polyester Panties have to go..
How JR. High is that?

Anyways, I have been promoted TWICE, I hired my new assistant, Julio. He’s a fantastic
skier by the way.

In any case, if you are feeling that tinkling in your winkling… if I may be so butch,
“fah-ghat-about it”

I love my life after “Homo Rehab”

Bless you, have grace in your day! !

Teddy

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