Jack and Snack

Ah, the Globes.

Mother loves the Golden Globes. For the longest time she wanted me to be the first “Mr. Golden Globes” and follow in the footsteps of the Grand Dames of the Golden Globes like Helen Hunt, Laura Dern and Lisabeth Shatner. In 1996 Freddie Prinze, Jr. shattered the dream. 

Since Mother is not someone famous (but I think my father was.. Mother still hasn’t told me who he is/was ) we had to make up for it elsewhere. Twenty years of Tap Dance, Pageantry Lessons and sewing sequins on my sateen hot pants were down the drain. Well, I did more than tap. Always the trend chameleon I am also fluent in clogging, stomping and penis puppetry.

After the crowning of Mr. Prinze, my Pageant Mentor Ms. Berkowitz, mistress of the “the wave” (elbow, elbow, hand, hand), was found dead on her favorite chaise lounge at her home at the Sportsman Lodge three days after the awards. Empty bottles of Early Times and bleach were by her side. She had been dead for three days before anyone noticed an abnormal smell about her.  Mother said the official autopsy concluded natural causes. I believe it was because her 42 year old heart was simply broken. My shuffle-ball change and windmill moves suffered dramatically afterwards. After spending 15 years working towards Mother’s Dream, I just couldn’t keep it together. 

While my strike job at the Cheesecake Factory has been AWESOME,  I miss my talent agency and working with my clients. Admittedly during my layoff, I have checked for messages (there have been none) and made sure that the maids and gardener kept our Laurel Canyon (Noho Arts district-adjacent) offices/boss’s home tidy. While the Cheesecake Factory has been exciting (saw David Carradine the other day!), I miss my high falutin’ mover and shaker desk.  I have been feeling melancholy.

But my heart went a-racing when our Assistant Manager (also VICE-PRESIDENT of the CSUN Spanish Club) Mr. Mills told me that I was picked by lottery to deliver the Hoagies for the Golden Globes Reception/News Conference. I was flabbergasted. How did I get to be so lucky? FINALLY, the Hollywood Foreign Press has acknowledged THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY (Woodland Hills) as this year’s official caterer. My chance to arrive at the Golden Globes has COME! My client Jake Lloyd would be so jealous… if he was sober.

Sure, it’s a strike year so it’s not all red carperty and stuff. But still to be so close to the hearing the names of the A-List and waiting for their reactions filled my embroidered  CCF polo with pride. 

 It was a glitzy set reminiscent of Dick Clark’s heyday. Shaun Robinson stood right next to me and snarfed down two Pizza Italianos.  She looked extra caliente with my special Ceasar Romanero Sauce dripping down here chin. They are my own creation, see how I Smitty up the regular menu? Dayna Devon prefers the NAVAJO (Warm Fry-Bread Stuffed with Grilled Chicken, Avocado, Lettuce, Tomato, Red Onion and Mayonnaise. Served with French Fries), though she did mention I should rename it.

So I was there Mr. Golden Globes (and Cheesecake Factory employee of the moment) hungry to satiate Mother’s dream.  I had my blue tap pants under my uniform waiting for my moment. They fit more snugly than I recall, hopefully this wouldn’t hurt my “marionette.”  My toes were a-tapping the minute the main theme flooded the room.  Several of the show’ producers approached my services du craftie. I told them about my act and they seemed receptive as they stuffed their mouths. They all said they would get back to me with in the hour.

Okay, I had to sign a waiver and all, but for my readers I will let you know. Some of the nominees were in attendance.. strangely enough.. none of the winners. I could see a coy little Ellen Page drinking Manhattans That little Ellen so quirky, so glib, so not a stripper from Minneapolis. I had been hoping she would be dirtier. I attempted to approach her for representation but her category came up. 

When the foreign girl was announced as the winner of Best Actress, Ellen Paige got really pissed off. So did Nicky Blondsky. The two girls went on a CAJUN CHICKEN "LITTLES" (Boneless Breast of Chicken Pieces, Spiced, Breaded and Fried Crisp. Served with Mashed Potatoes and Fresh Corn Succotash)  and margarita binge that seemed to subside when they started smooching two Latin (and most likely undocumented) workers. They were dancing by the time they announced that Speilberg’s humanitarianism had been post-poned. Speilberg seemed puzzled by delay until next year. I never realized what a temper he had. He started yelling and screaming then started throwing the contents of his goody bag at anyone he could hit. Mini-Mac Cosmetics, a “56^th Annual Golden Globes” keychain, a Tower Records gift card and a “Titanic” CD were flying through the air searching for any target. Also a slightly ripped unicorn (from the recently shelved “Buddy and the Unicorn” starring Brad Renfro) hit a PA in the head spilling out silica which apparently burned his eyes quite a bit. Fortunately, he paused when grabbing his giftbottle of Barefoot Wine, he uncorked it with his teeth (You can do that?) and just chugged it in one gulp. The rich and famous really know their wines. They are a classy bunch.

He reached for an INCREDIBLE GRILLED EGGPLANT SANDWICH  (Grilled Japanese Eggplant, Roasted Red Peppers, Red Onion, Melted Mozzarella and Garlic Aiole on Our Toasted Bun. Served with Fries) to toss but I was able to talk him down. I simply reasoned with him.. his art is film.. my art is sandwiches. Would he like it if I tossed reel after reel of Schindler’s List at the cast? By the way.. would you like to see me dance?

Well, those were the real highlights. After everyone had their fill of my hoagies, I started to clean up. One by one the cast and crew left the studio darkened. I flicked a remaining key lamp on, walked to the stage and ripped myself out of the confines of my Cheescake Factory Uniform. There I was in the spotlight.,, my tap shoes in tow, my tap pants, dickie and rainbow suspenders awash in dazzling sequins of lavender. 

I performed my entire number without a hitch. I danced like a recently divorced showgirl. I did the windmills, the stomp and even improvised my puppetry moves (the Giraffe, the Hamburger and the always showstopping “Jaws of Life”).

I was MR. GOLDEN GLOBES!

I just may get a You Tube video out of this.

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