Yay! Holidays!

In movies, the only reason for a big family holiday is a showdown. I think my favorite ruined holiday dinner is in THE DOORS. Jim Morrison takes his acid too early, his girlfriend yells at him and the duck pays the consequences.

Awesome.

However, this Holiday Season you are no doubt going back to a Holiday dinner where someone will start spewing sound bytes and talking points. Here are a few tips to make your Holidays memorable when you are attacked for Obama ruining Christmas.

My first bit of advice is let them know you really aren't that much of a fan of Pelosi and Reid. This will give you a little ground to give. It will also shock your opponent into questioning their own leaders. These two are easy to give up are they really don't do much for energizing the party.  Face it folks, they are dull and their passion seems inauthentic. I'm more of a Barbara Boxer kinda Dem. You probably are too.

So Tip #1 comes last, it's the most important.

Tip #2:  They say "Al Gore flies around in private jets leaving a large carbon footprint." YES! That is true.

However, it's not like the Former Vice-President of the United States is flying up there all by himself. He does have a large staff including the secret service. So let's say the entire friends and family plan is two dozen people (not including airline staff). So, remember any inflated plan needs to be divided by 24ish. So if Al Gore flew commercial that would mean 24 seats not for you. Which would mean that airlines tickets would go up, so the American working man and businesses would have to be charged extra. So the plane thing isn't that big of a deal.

Tip # 3 They say "Obama has not created any jobs this year." Yes, that is also True! As of October, under Obama, -3.5% jobs were created. This mostly due to all the financial ruin the previous POTUS refused to react too.  It's not a good number. In comparison, when Bush was handed is Dot bomb  in 2001, he did nothing, as usual. In the first four years of his presidency he created .002% jobs. 2000th of a percent.  In his second term he created .03 percent. This is the lowest positive job number of the 20th century. And he had EIGHT YEARS to do it. Now the average Joe Egg Nog probably can't grasp what this means.

Then smirk and put it in perspective. I love this stat. Jimmy Carter, by the right, is considered to be one of the worst presidents ever. His job creation percentage? 3.1% - ten times of what Bush, Jr created and five times more than Bush SR. In actual job numbers (10mil) it  is double what Reagan created in his first term and about even with his second term.

In fact, if you look over the decade Dems outweigh the GOP on job creation every single time.  Who is the record holder? Bill Clinton! A whopping  11 million jobs a term. So chill out on Obama job creation. It hasn't happened yet, but jeez we, once again, will  fix what was broken.

Tip #4 They say "The Democrats and media are afraid of an intelligent, attractive conservative like Sarah Palin." Not true. We are afraid of a woman who is so vastly uninformed yet can rally her masses of similarly uninformed who simply believe whatever she tells them to do. She's like a David Koresh or Charles Manson. She's like a little bit better than Carrie Prejean. We don't like her because she isn't intelligent. She's just spouts talking points and catch phrases.  She's nothing but a tape recorder. If they made a talking doll of her it would only have ten clips. Three of which would be under five phrases. I would embrace an intelligent, attractive conservative. Especially one who doesn't try to constantly tell everyone she is victimized. Oprah would never call herself a victim. We don't people with victimization syndrome. Here is a list of attractive, intelligent conservative women who I think are much more qualified for public office. At least they don't take as many crazy pills, went to a good college (alright Sarah went seven good colleges) and can't don't quit once they get bored.

Jenna Bush
Star Parker
Meghan McCain
Mary Bono
Diane Sawyer
Mary Jo Emerson
Nancy Reagan (in a grandma kinda way)

For more on unfair media attacks on powerful women see Hilary Clinton or Barbara Boxer.

#5 Socialism and Health Care. Socialism has become a thrown around term. It's soooo Reagan/McCarthy era name calling. Government run health care is not socialism. If the government abolished health care companies and were the only show in town, you may have a case for that. They aren't and they never will be. Who screams socialism the hardest? Those who take "campaign contributions" from them. Combined John Boehner, Minority Whip Eric Cantor, Minority Whip Mitch McConnell and John McCain have received over a million dollars from the the health insurance industry. Those who are against health insurance are paid for their opinion. Then ask them if they have ever had to get life saving medications from "alternative" sources because of their pre-existing condition. I've had to do that, so you can refer them to me.

And now the most important tip.. TIP # 1 My first tip to enjoying your holidays--

Tip #1: Never argue with a fool or a drunk.  Say Uncle Elmer is boasting about how he finished Going Rogue... twice. Forget him. When Uncle Elmer is on his fifth beer and tomato juice, gushing smug about some Hannity bit --walk away. "What?" you say. "I got him on the ropes." It doesn't matter because even if you break it down to his monosyllabic bumblefuckery, he won't understand or, more likely,  won't remember. You deserve to have some fun this holiday season, let the moron fudder about trying to figure how the turkey got on his head.

Help yourself to a warm fire, a challenging piece of fiction, some John Coltrane and a mellow, liberal elite shiraz.  I would suggest turning the I-pod up loud to drown out Uncle Elmer's cries for help in his yearly deep fry accident.

Rest. Relax. Rejoice.

It's been a rough year for everyone. Take it easy for a week YOU DESERVE IT! We're better than them. Let's kick ass in 2010.

Happy Holidays

THE CRACKPOT PRESS

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