Year of the Groom is an ongoing series.

When it has come time to propose, every guy I know has had it screwed up. The reason was because there were elements (her) beyond their control.

Now it's my turn.

All I knew was I didn't want to be in a situation where she had any control of the evening. We had plans to see Neil Diamond at the Hollywood Bowl. Perfect... she would be sitting down and as long as made sure she peed before the show, we would be in pretty good shape. She had more than hinted that should I propose, Jumbotrons would not be involved.  Check, got it covered.

She is a much bigger Neil Diamond fan than I am. I understand that he is a baddass and all but I think I got burned out on him in the 70's. "The Jazz Singer" was in constant 8-track rotation on every single carpool I was in as a kid. Every mother just played it over and over again. "Neil's so sexy, he's so wonderful. 'The Jazz Singer' is best movie of all time."

"Whatever Old lady..make with the Twinkies."

So I purchased the entire Neil Diamond anthology and the newer two "12 Songs" and "Home Before Dark." I try to embrace everything that is Neil Diamond. I want to be Diamond-esque, I wanted to be able to sing along with Neil Diamond. I wanted to recognize a changed lyric. I re-watched "The Jazz Singer." I only listened to Neil Diamond for an entire week when I discover a very important flaw in my plan.

Neil Diamond has some of the shittiest songs to propose to... EVER.

Select a Golden Hit

His classic hits, the ones sure to be included in the show "Love on the Rocks," "You Don't Bring Me Flowers, " and "Solitary Man" are all about the end of relationships.

"Girl, You'll Be A Woman Soon" is just plain condescending.  
What the hell is a "Crunchy Granola Suite?" 
"Heartlight" is one of worst songs ever written.

Someone at work had suggested "Sweet Caroline" but you should never propose during a song with another girls name in it.  Ditto for "Cherry, Cherry" and "Holly, Holly." Cherry sounds like a hookers name anyway.

Somewhere in the back of my head I remember a fringe friend of mine who worked on the Neil Diamond tour ten years ago.  He probably knows someone who can give me the set list and then I just have to pick. GENIUS!

Except for one thing..

"Uh. Neil doesn't have a standard set list. He decides what songs he is going to do the afternoon before the show."

"So I could stuck without a single song to propose to? He could get a crappy pastrami sandwich and the waitress looks like an ex-girlfriend and I would stuck with sullen Neil.

"Yup"

I NEED HAPPY NEIL

I researched Neil Diamond fan sites that list the set from this tour.  "Play Me" seemed to be in regular rotation. However, it was either number 3 or 4 in the playlist. I thought that was too soon in the set and USUALLY, ironically, followed by "Love on the Rocks."  "Hello, Again" was only in the set list a third of the time. "Hell, Yeah" showed up from time to time.  I send my set list to Neil's MySpace in the hopes I will be heard.  I did not hear back.

A week out and I don't have my damn Neil Diamond song.

Two days out and I don't have my damn Neil Diamond song.

I call her dad and I don't have my damn Neil Diamond song.

4 hours left.. two hours left.

I get a phone call from a North Carolina Area code.

"Dave, it's Marty. They just locked the set list. Do "Forever In Blue Jeans." It comes at the 60 minute mark. I gotta bolt. Good luck." And he hangs up.

"Forever in Blue Jeans," Really?  I liked that song but there was an over sentimentality to it . Or perhaps it was just really poor lyrics. "Baby, tonight by the fire, all alone you and I. Nothing around but the sound of my heart and your sighs."  I envisioned the two grinding by the fire, two glasses of cheap red wine on an woodesque end table (the kind with brassy loops on the side) some 70's era orange porn shag underneath the lovers. It seemed too much like the cover of a K-tel "Love Songs" CD.

I listen to it again and give it a second chance. That could work. And, it's in the set at the 60 minute mark. That's the perfect place for it to be. I just hope Neil doesn't screw it up with a sullen Neil song right afterwards.

Meanwhile, High Above Hollywood

We got into our seats high above the Hollywood Bowl. I was really trying to enjoy the show but I just kept running the six line speech I had written. Searchlight helicopters danced around somewhere over Highland. She's gotten  a little wine buzzy and kept asking me if Natalie Maines was going to do her duet with Neil.  I slave through Brooklyn Nights. I try and dance through an upbeat version of "Holy Holly" but my body wasn't working. Every dance move felt forced, unfluid. My general rhythm was just a tad off somewhere between the beats. She asked my why I kept checking the phone. I was trying to keep time with show. Then none of that mattered anymore.

Then right at 60 minutes. A D A   Bm  C#m  E  A

I choke.My larynx dries and constricts. The entire crowds rises to their feet to the familiar chords.  I am sitting and I try to  gravel out  the first line of my speech. Some tears well up. I realize I am gonna have a hard time getting through this. My hand wriggles through my pocket,

BAIL on the six sentence speech! Abort! Just get the important sentence out!

I only have a few seconds before the whole bit is blown. Plan B. I stand get the ring box out of my pocket get on one knee. No speech, no show, just get those four words out! "Will you marry me?"

And the Answer Is:

I'd been spending all this time figuring out the perfect song. I hadn't spent any time wondering what her reaction would be. I mean we're closing in on 40, weddings are for young kids right? We're too cool for that. And now the two of us are the only ones sitting in throng of 14,000 dancing fans. All of which are oblivious to us.

She explodes into a fit of laughter and tears. Her hands start making circles and this her mouth opens as she rocks back in her seat.  She kisses me in way she never had before.. She does it again and I can feel her tears fall down my cheek. Despite being surrounded by the crowd, it seemed like a very private moment.

I say "It doesn't count until you say yes" And she screams "YES" I listen to the song while she is embracing me harder than ever before. The grinding by the fire part didn't sound as cheesy as I had imagined. What I had thought to be over sentimentalized now became, well, sentimental.

Most importantly, I realize that it wasn't the song that mattered. She just wanted to get married . Yes, to me. She really loved me no matter which song was in the background or which ring was on here finger. I take time to cherish this moment as it will never come again.

and Neil finishes Blue Jeans and tears up the classic "I'm A Believer"

"Then I saw her face, now I am a believer"

That would have been a good song too.

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