Vice Presidential Candidate, Paul Ryan, took some time out to sit down in the Crackpot Press offices. We found him to be really charming, in fact one of the nicest folks we have ever met, regardless that we agree on pretty much.. nothing. His Don Draperesque good looks and bro comfortableness are very disarming. Like most media outlets, and media viewers, it wasn’t until we transcribed this interview that we actually heard what he said.
Crackpot Press: Hi. Wow, thanks for making us one your first in depth interview. Let’s just start with the obvious. That’s a great shirt, where do you get them?
Paul Ryan: I’m a Brooks Brothers guy. But I only get them at outlet stores and in the clearance section of BrooksBrothers.com. Gotta look good for less these days. I also get my ties there, if you put together a Windsor knot it’s gotta be a tie worth it. I put two in your gift basket.
CRACKPOT PRESS: Shirts or ties?
Paul Ryan: Both and a bunch of other goodies. You’re about a 16 ½ neck, right?
CRACKPOT PRESS: Well, yes I am.
Paul Ryan: I am big on research and poli-ties.. get it? Hope you like red stripes.In the meantime can you take the picture of me with the Dick Cheney quote off of your site. People don't like him.
CRACKPOT PRESS: Yeah, that’s great. Wow, there is some great stuff here. Very charming. So, let’s get to some meat, Gay rights, you hate gay people right?
Paul Ryan: Bro, let me clear that up right now, hot shot slam blogger guy. I don’t hate gay people. I don’t hate anyone. Would love to have every gay vote for me and I want them to feel comfortable with me.. I just believe that marriage should between one man and one woman.
CRACKPOT PRESS: Wow. You smell really good.
Paul Ryan: It’s Polo. It’s back, but I never left.
CRACKPOT PRESS: Now about your budget...
Paul Ryan: Wait I am not done here. Anything anyone wants to do in their home is just fine. I appreciate my opponent’s views on this — they just aren’t mine. But I DO believe in freedom. Beer bash on Santa Monica Blvd, knock yourself out. Just remember to work out first. Hahahaha.
For example, butt-fucking a sissy bottom is your own business. Rim Jobs in airport bathrooms are fine. Juicy penile blasts into a frothy Santorumy ‘stache, 100% okey-dokey.
CRACKPOT PRESS: Wait, I’m sorry, I was watching your teeth. Where was I? Yeah.. but not hospital visits adoption or inheritance rights?
Paul Ryan: Don’t put anything in my mouth. Sharing a spew on chiseled abs, feltching, a bungie boy taking a bear in the basket, flossing with Colgate – all cool, bro.
CRACKPOT PRESS: Yeah, sure. Um, my notes... Right.. Stimulus money.. you requested stimulus funds even though publicly you thought they were awful.. when Obama did them..
Paul Ryan: I noticed we haven’t talked about my abs or smile yet. Or how much everyone likes me, that’s usually what interviewers lead with.
CRACKPOT PRESS: Yeah.. the abs..
Paul Ryan: I’ve worked hard on these. I spend 3 to 4 hours a day working out. A little Suana, A little tan, steam rooms, I love steams rooms. It’s really the best place to stretch. In fact when I was at the Log Cabin Republicans fundraiser a few weeks back, I showed a steam rooms full of dudes how to stretch a hammie.. It’s awesome. Can I show you?
CRACKPOT PRESS: I not much of a worker- outer. I am more of a Cheetos and blogging type..
Paul Ryan: Come on. Here I brought a towel for you. And some salve. All in your gift bag.
CRACKPOT PRESS: This may be the softest thing I have ever held in my hands. Is that baby oil?
Paul Ryan: It’s salve. It’s highly-concentrated and good for you, has menthol and hummus to give you a good rear shine job. You’re a blogger-- I bet your glutes could use a stretching.
This interview ended with Paul showing my several new yoga poses and ended with him giving me a massage and a menthol body scrub. I didn’t even get to ask my best questions.
But I feel REALLY awesome.