Finally, Magic Johnson has surfaced through the sweaty hordes of jackass Non-Angelenos to save the Dodgers. He’s got work to do. But at least he understands the town.

This will be my first year in five that I won’t have a Dodgers ticket package. It’s a hassle, expensive and frankly, just not any fun anymore.

Here’s what Magic needs to do:

ABSOLUTE POWER IN AN ADORABLE PACKAGE!

1. Kim Jong Il spends two hours a day standing in front of a mirror in wooly
chaps and a large cowboy hat, practicing the English phrase
“Howdy! I’m a cowpoke!”

2. Kim Jong Il respects Funkedelic, but thinks Parliament is straight up
jam for getting the hos partying all retarded.

3. Kim Jong Il is in AA, and attends the meetings at Pyongyang Double
Tree under the pseudonym of Freddy. He doesn’t actually go in. He sits
outside in his ZiL limousine chugging Hennessey.

Because Bil Keane is dead now, I decided to re-run this bit.

Below you'll find some Amazon reviews for various Family Circus books written by your truly. I’ve received many, many helpful ratings.

Grandma Was Here by BIL KEANE
Edition: Paperback Price: $3.99
Availability: This item is currently unavailable. 33 used from $0.78
The thriller that will chill yer to the bones. , March23, 2007

Picture: a girl of 6, let's call her Dolly. She's in a dusty attic, trying to stash a forbidden Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers from her tyrannical father, Pastor Bil. She finds a loose board and finds...the photos. Her grandmother Thelma, string of pearls sparkling, standing next to Pol Pot...on a pyramid of human skulls.

So starts this summer's must read thriller.

“I’m smart -- not like everybody says! I want respect!” – Fredo Corleone

American is now run by Fredo. Fredo now runs the Republican Party and, as a result, the Congress is run by Fredo. You have been pwnd by Fredo.

So I guess the Tea Party isn’t so much of a jokey little brother anymore. Sure, the Tea Party has come off as a bunch of dumb rednecks without any real knowledge of how the world works. Their leaders have no grasp of history, loathe science and aren’t fans of math either. The GOP has no Michael. So Fredo is running the show.

This week we learned what happens when Fredo runs the family.

Since Oprah is now of the air, we thought we'd revist this piece from five or so years ago.

Long has been the time that has passed since a piece about the negative effects of Oprah has been pursued by my late past midnight writing habits. However, there hasn’t been a right reason to begin to lay out the attack until recently. And there’s one little undeserving writer to thank for it – James Frey.

Immediately, I need to inform the reader that this piece (nor this website) is anyway is defending James Frey. This isn’t about him (although it is very much about the impact of his “memoir”). This piece also is not about the book, “A Million Little Pieces,” but instead it is about something more important: the “idea” of the book and the “idea” of Oprah. If nothing else, isn’t all life a continual battle if Ideas? Here at Crackpot Press, and other bastions of true journalism, you will get nothing less.

"Mr. Adams, this revolution is about your petty personal grievances. Your taxes are too high. Well, sir so are mine." John Dickinson, the sole vote against U.S. Independence.

Well, I kinda think that's what went down. I saw it in a movie once.

There is an old phrase in Hollywood when describing art house films "It ain't gonna play in Peoria."  Well, I WANT YOUR MONEY will play well in Peoria, Raleigh, Bakersfield and Dallas. This op-ed doc-style flick, directed by Ray Griggs,  lionizes Reagan and skewers every other president in the last 80 years. It might become a Tea Party rallying call. A cinematic yelp to lower taxes and reel in spending, this will be a big hit with the "Beck and Call" crowd. The movie comes out October 15th in red-area movie theaters (i.e. in Burbank rather than WeHo) in time to try and influence the election. If it gets a bump from Fox News or  Rush it might even enjoy some some decent viewership.

In a jellybean bag, the movie's main theme is "If you aren't Ronald Reagan, you can suck it." Clinton, Bush, Clinton, Bush, Nixon, Pelosi, Palin  and, especially, Obama, are portrayed as inexperienced nincompoops who could use a few wise words from the Gipper.

This piece also tears me in two between my journalistic self and my blogger self. So I am breaking this one up in to two parts: "The Review" and "The Critque."  This movie preaches to a choir that doesn't let me sing with them,  so I think this is fair.

It would also be fair to mention, that I have a helluva singing voice.

With the AVP a no-show at the Manhattan Beach Open, there were a ton of questions on the courts.

Who's playing?Who is that?
What are the new rules? What is it a net rule?
Is someone winning? What's the score?

Taking the lead from Hall of Famer, Holly McPeak, Kerri Walsh has chosen to mentor a player on the cusp of greatness diving into the shallow end of her prime. McPeak played with now stars of the AVP such as Nicole Branagh, Jen Kessy .  Now Kerri has plucked out Brooke Hansen for the most coveted spot in the sand.  I don’t think they can take out Treanor/Branagh but  this will be an interesting pairing for the rest of the summer. After the jump get to know Brooke. 

Well, if there IS a rest of the summer.

Aw crap, another National Unemployment Day. (You can read about the origins of National Unemployment Day here.)

National Unemployment day, July 2nd, has usually been a rite of passage for the Unemployed.It's OUR day, a day to mock the smug office jockeys who collect a paycheck every week. The reasoning has always been that it's summer and you ain't getting a job today.. Time to have a few daytime beers at the Farmer's Market, go take in a decadent $10 matinee at the Arclight or darken your mouth with a chocolate dipped softee at the Santa Monica Pier

But this year, there is a hollow booooonnng this National Unemployment Day's Eve.

I waited for a while on posting to let my personal rage to subside.

hurrah.

The GOP has triumphed over the folks they put out of work and stopped unemployment benefits for those who have been on the dole for over six months (depending on which state you live in)!   41 brave Republicans and one turncoat Democrat  have stood solid, showing the majority of senators just who really is in control. This moral victory in wrangling in the deficit will surely be shouted to the heavens.

But, wait, where is the smug spin zone?